Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1 week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by c:>

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole dang thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Nike virus: Just does it.

Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,
XXX

Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try
Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

Let's keep you sane--you can sleep an hour a day. Leaves 45 minutes.

Eating, even if mostly done in front of the computer, is going to take some time going back and forth to the kitchen and wiping crumbs off the keyboard. 15 minutes more, down to half an hour.

Basic bodily functions, (even if you skip showering for six weeks.... ewww) will take another 15 minutes a day if you really conserve trips.

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about
foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you
just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism." ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe
t!
OVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic ware says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half
ith the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

AFAIC As Far As I'm Concerned
AISI As I See It
ANFAWFOS And Now For A Word Word From Our Sponsor
ANFAWFOWS And Now For A Word Word From Our WEB Sponsor
AOL Assholes On Line
ASAP As Soon As Possible
ASAFP As Soon As Friggin Possible

AWGTHTGTTA Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again AWGTHTGTTSA Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again

B4 Before
BCNU Be Seeing You
BFD Big ****ing Deal
BK Bo Knows
BNF Big Name Fan
BOT Back On Topic
BTSOOM Beats The Shit Out Of Me
BT Byte This!
BTW By The Way
BTWBO Be There With Bells On
CIAO Goodbye (Italyin Itlin Itlen Italian) :-)
CIS CompuServe Information Service
CMF Count My Fingers!
CTC Choaking The Chicken
CUL Catch You Later/See You Later
CUL8R See You Later
CWYL Chat With You Later
DBEYR Don't Believe Everything You Read
DDD Direct Distance Dial
DHYB Don't Hold Your Breath
DILLIGAD Do I Look Like I Give A Damn
DQYDJ Don't Quit You're Day Job
DYSTSOTT Did You See The Size Of That Thing
FE Fatal Error
FTASB Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
FTL Faster Than Light
FUBAR ****ed Up Beyond All Repair
FUBB ****ed Up Beyond Belief
FWIW For What It's Worth
FYI For Your Information
FYM For Your Misinformation
GE GEnie Information Service
GEE No, GTE
GIGO Garbage In, Garbage Out
GIWIST Gee, I Wish I'd Said That
GR&D Grinning Running & Ducking
HAK Hugs And Kisses
HUYA Head Up Your A$$
HHOK Ha Ha, Only Kidding
HHO1/2K Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding
HIOOC Help! I'm Out Of Coffee!
HTH Hope This Helps
HUA Heads Up, Ace
IAC In Any Case
IAE In Any Event
IANAL I Am Not A Lawyer
IANAC I Am Not A Crook
IAO I Am Outtahere
IBCNU I'll Be Seeing You
IBTD I Beg To Differ
IFABCTE I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator

IITYWTMWYKM If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me IITYWTMWYBMAD If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink IITYWTMWYLMA If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone

IIWM If It Were Me
ILSHIBAMF I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture
ILSHIBMS I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches
IMCO In My Considered Opinion
IMHO In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO In My Not So Humble Opinion
IMO In My Opinion
INPO In No Particular Order
IOW In Other Words
ISP Internet Service Provider
KISS Keep It Simple Stupid
L8R Later
LD Long Distance
LDTTWA Let's Do The Time Warp Again
LLTA Lots And Lots Of Thunderous Applause
LOL Laughing Out Loud
LSHHTCMS Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts
LTIP Laughing Till I Puke
MTFBWY May The Force Be With You
NBFD No Big ****ing Deal
NFW No ****ing Way
NRN No Reply Necessary
NYCFS New York City Finger Salute
OAUS On An Unrelated Subject
OATUS On A Totally Unrelated Subject
OATIS On A Totally Irrelevant Subject
OBTW Oh By The Way
OI Operator Indisposed
OMIK Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard
ONNA Oh No, Not Again
ONNTA Oh No Not This Again
OOTC Obligatory On Topic Comment
OTOH On The Other Hand
OTOOH On The Other Other Hand
OTSH On The Same Hand
OWTTE Or Words To That Effect
OZ Australia
PITA Pain In The A$$
PMF Pull My Finger
RBTL Read Between The Lines
RML Read My Lips
RMM Read My Mail
ROTFL Rolling On The Floor Laughing
ROTM Right On The Money
RSN Real Soon Now
RTFM Read The ****ing Manual (or Message)
SH Shit Happens
SH2M Shit Happens To Me
SITD Still In The Dark
SOI Sit On It
SOL Shit Outta Luck
STM Spank The Monkey
SysOp System Operator
SYP Send Your Password
TAFL Take A Flying Leap
TANSTAAFL There Ain't No Such Than A Free Lunch
TDTM Talk Dirty To Me
TFASB Time For A Sex Break
TFN Thanks For Nothin'
TIA Thanks In Advance
TIC Tongue In Cheek
TISEC Tongue In Someone Else's Cheek
TLA Three Letter Acronym (such as this)
TM Trust Me
TSR Terminate and Stay Resident
TSR Totally Stuck in RAM
TTT That's The Ticket
TWHAB This Won't Hurt A Bit
VI Village Idiot
WDIPME Where Did I Put My Excedrin
WEB World Wide Wait
WGAFS Who Gives A Flying Squat
WIT Wordsmith In Training
WMG Wheres My Glasses
WTHDTIM What The Hell Do These Initials Mean
WTSDS Where The Sun Don't Shine
WYSIWYG What You See Is What You Get
WYSIUWYW What You See Isn't Usually What You Want
YGBK You Gotta Be Kiddin'
<g> Grin
<G> Big Grin
<s> Little shit
<S> Big shit
<f> Little ****
<F> Big ****
<FU> obvious

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.